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[ Watch The Birdie (Page 2) ] Game 1 of the regular season, then, when anything seems possible and the terrible dull crushing weight of reality has yet to start bearing down on fans, players, coaches or playboy dilettantes who’ve been bought a Godawful NFL franchise by their well-meaning but senile grandmothers. There are more of that last group around than you’d think. The first victims of this new Golden Age for the Arizona Cardinals, then, will be the Detroit Lions. “You wish.” Christ, what are you doing here? I thought I gave you the slip during the post-Superbowl party in Cincinnati? “You wish. Again.” Did I ever get around to explaining exactly who or what you were? I know I meant to. “Nope. And I’m betting you’re not going to bother this time, either.” You’re probably right. So, the Loins... “Loins?” You heard me. What can I expect? “Well, the NFL’s been pretty kind to you, there are far, far worse teams to open the season against. But I’m going to stick my neck out and say you can expect to get beat.” Well, duh. I have to admit, I was hoping for something a teensy bit more specific. “Okay. The passing game is going to be your biggest headache, not for the last time this year. Joey Harrington is similar in style to Jeff Blake or Josh McCown, just about five times better. His main target will be rookie Charles Rogers, who’s too big, too strong and too quick for any of your secondary to cover. Get used to that, as well, you’ve got to play the 69ers and Terrell Owens twice this season and twice more next year and again, and again, and again until the stars burn out.” Nice to have some practice beforehand, then. “That's what they call 'looking for the silver lining', isn't it? Back to business. The Lion line’s >decent, attack it in the middle if you’re going to attack it at all. Their running backs are average-to-okay, too – Jimmy Stewart and Olandis Gary, but, like you, Detroit suffer because they’re both power-runners and there’s no real change of pace. Tight ends and the rest of the receiving corps are painfully average. Their D is strong up the gut up front – your old mate Earl Holmes, the ex-Orange, is the linebackers’ anchor, and in front of him is Luther Ellis and Robert Porcher, who eat running backs for breakfast, elevenses, lunch, dinner, high tea, supper and midnight snack. You know that pass-to-set-up-the-run thing you’ve got planned?” I’m aware of it. “Might want to give it a try here. Could be tricky, though – the Detroit corners are pretty good and pretty deep, although their safeties are less so. Good luck.” Cheers, Mystery Bloke. “You’re going to bloody well need it.” - We lose the toss, which those of you who read the Bengals stuff might recall is normally a bad sign, and are forced to receive the kick. I consider taking the wind, then remember that we’re playing in a dome and sheepishly pick an end to defend at random. The crowd’s surprisingly sparse for opening weekend, especially given that it’s Great White Hope Steve Mariucci’s first game in charge, but I suppose after a few years supporting Detroit you start to see new seasons and new coaches as the treacherous bearers of false hope and inevitable disappointment that they really are. I won’t mock too much until I see how many people show up for our home opener. The pep-talk in the locker room is of the “everyone starts the season on an equal record” variety that’s fairly traditional in situations like this, and out we trot to see how quickly we can rectify that situation and fall behind everyone else. Inevitably, I completely lose my bottle on the opening possession and try to run on first and second down for a net gain of no – count ‘em! – yards. Jeff Blake cheerfully sails the ball six feet over Bryan Gilmore’s head on third down, and it’s the first punt of the season for Scott Player. I’m sort’ve guessing it’s not going to be the last. The Lion receiving corps is basically Charles Rogers and that’s it, so we’ve spent the week before the game “preparing” our secondary via a revolutionary technique that involves tackle-bags, pictures of Rogers and high-voltage cattle-prods. So it’s fairly irritating when, on 2nd and long, Harrington puts up a deep pass that Rogers brings in before shrugging off Adrian Wilson’s half-arsed attempt at a tackle and outrunning the rest of my defence 52 yards to the endzone. Next time, we use bigger cattle-prods. ARI 0-7 DET.
Our ensuing “drive” is a little more successful than the first inasmuch as we manage a first down, but the run is still going nowhere and once again we’re forced to punt it away. I can feel a long, long afternoon coming on. It’s a booming kick, and Detroit’s returner, Eddie Drummond, brings it in at the 15, tight to the left sideline. He’s barely gotten underway when he meets reserve free safety Quentin Harris coming enthusiastically in the other direction. Down he goes... and down goes the ball. Harris looks around, realises he’s the only player of either team within 15 yards in any direction, scoops up the rock hardly believing his luck and trots the 24 yards back to the endzone, opening our account for the season in particularly scrappy fashion. Scott Player – Lethal Offensive Weapon. ARI 7-7 DET. The crowd pump up the volume, encouraging the Detroit offence to put the fluke behind them and get back to work, but Wendell Davis knifes up the weak gut of the Loin line for a sack that puts them into a 3rd and 20 situation. For the first time in the afternoon we bring the blitz and Harrington hastily looks for his outlet, TE Mikhael Ricks. Too hastily, as it turns out. Defensive captain Ronald McKinnon, lurking in the short zone, steps up sharply to make the interception then tiptoes his way through heavy traffic before Harrington himself drags the linebacker down inside the Trite 10. The crowd groan in anticipation of a certain touchdown, but they’ve underestimated just how inept our offence is and we’re forced to settle for a 29-yard Bill Gramatica figgie to make the score ARI 10-7 DET.
Fat-boy Wendall Bryant gets to Harrington again to put an end to their next possession and the first quarter, and Terry Fair grabs 24 yards straight up the left sideline into Lionland on his first punt return as a Cardinal. I’ve finally sussed out that trying to run on first down isn’t working, and with this blinding revelation the offence slowly rises out of torpor. Marcel Shipp crushes a couple of DBs on his way to taking a swing-pass for a first down at the Detroit 20. From there Blake makes no mistake, hitting Bryant Johnson (is it some sort of NFL rule that every team has to have a receiver called Johnson? Just wondering...) on consecutive plays – a quick slant that gives us 1st and goal, then a sharply-run hook that gives us a ten-point lead. ARI 17-7 DET. The Lions respond with a Madden ’03 Throwback Drive We constantly look on the verge of stopping them, but don’t quite manage it ‘till they stop themselves – Harrington tries to force the ball to a double-covered Charles Rogers and is very lucky not to be picked off by Tay Cody. Jason Hanson slots the 45-yard field goal, and it’s back to a one-possession lead – ARI 17-10 DET. We hit problems early on our next drive, Marcel Shipp making me pine for the glory days when he was rushing for no gain. Two carries for a total of -5 yards put us into a 3rd-and-looooong situation deep in our own half. For the first time this afternoon, we go to the four-wide set and immaculate blitz-pickup gives Blake time to go through his progressions and find Kevin Kasper posting across the middle for a gain of 19. Four plays later and we’re camped at the Detroit 17, and from there we finally grasp the notion of running toward the other lot's endzone - five straight ground-plays against a slightly weary-looking defence see the scoreboard moving, Marcel Shipp spinning into the endzone from point-blank range to make it ARI 24-10 DET. With three minutes to the half, the Trite Loins look to get their proverbials in gear, but on 2nd and 5 their toss-sweep runs smack into Terry Fair on the nickelback blitz, forcing Harrington to the air on 3rd-and-long. With the pocket starting to buckle, he looks for help, sees that split-end Bill Schroeder seems to have single-coverage and lets fly with a perfect strike. Well, alright, perfect except for the one tiny, trifling detail that we’re not playing man, we’re playing zone, and cornerback David Barrett is thus in perfect position to step in front of Schroeder and pick the ball off. From there, it’s a foot-race to the endzone – Harrington gets a piece of Barrett, but not enough, and it’s a 51 yard scoring return for the man who’s still affectionately known around the locker-room as “No-Mark”.
Yep. I’m a cracking judge of talent and no mistaking. That’s ARI 31-10 DET, and that’s the half. We honestly haven’t played all that well, 17 of our 31 points being a direct result of Detroit turnovers, and so we aren’t taking anything for granted as we trot out for the second half. We must, must, must establish a running-game if we’re going to control the clock sufficiently to hang on to the lead. Not hopeful, to be honest with you. Whatever Coach Mooch has said to his troops during the half, it doesn’t seem to have worked overmuch. Jimmy Stewart gets the Loins one first down before they bog down and punt away. Our offence, though, looks as stop-start as it did in the first half, and Detroit quickly have us facing a 3rd and 8 at their 40. The call is the quick-slant play that was money most of the pre-season and we’ve been careful not to over-use so far this afternoon. Back goes Jeff Blake on the three-step drop, but Trite are wise to us and are in press coverage, tying our receivers up for the few crucial seconds it takes for their blitzers to get to the quarterback. A split-second away from being crushed by DE Robert Porcher, Blake lets fly with a blind, hopeful, incredibly ill-advised pass in Anquaan Boldin’s vague direction. The Lion safety is right there, breaks on the ball... and just plain misses it. Anquaan doesn’t and he’s gone, all the way to the house. Lucky, lucky, lucky. ARI 38-10 DET.
In the ensuing drive, Harrington once again finds himself in a 3rd-and-long situation, once again mis-reads the coverage, once again tries to drive a fastball into Schroeder, and once again has it intercepted – Terry Fair this time, having a very nice debut and taking it back inside the Loin 20. On the very next play Emmitt Smith, previously not having a very nice debut, runs a slant-out from the backfield, gets a step and Blake floats a lovely pass over Chris Cash’s despairing leap that drops softly into Emmitt’s hands at the back of the endzone. Criminy. It's starting to get embarassing to be a part of this. ARI 45-10 DET.
Five minutes to play in the third quarter. “It’s been a rough start to this game,” burbles Madden, “but there’s still time for them to turn it round.” He’s obviously seen a few Arizona Cardinals games in his time. Although maybe the fat git’s onto something – Charles Rogers’ first touch since the opening play of the game is a 33-yard reception, then tight end Mikhael Ricks takes a short pass and runs right over David Barrett and Terry Fair on his way to a 17-yard score. ARI 45-17 DET. Surely not...? Enough of this. A 13-play drive that features 2 passes and 10 runs picks up 60 yards against an absolutely knackered Detroit defence and grinds seven minutes off the clock. Bill Gramatica hits from 29 yards to add insult to injury, and with 6 minutes left it’s ARI 48-17 DET. Despite his 3 INTs, Mariucci keeps faith with Joey Harrington. Just to prove that when things are going wrong for you, they’re all going wrong for you, though, he sees a pass aimed at Bill Schroeder deflect off Charles Rogers’ shoulder and fall straight into the hands of free safety Adrian Wilson. Poor little sod. There you go, look, we’ve just taken a bit more time of the clock then shanked a long FG, why don’t you have another go? Good lad. That’s it... that’s it... all the way into our red-zone, well done... There’s no helping some people. On 3rd and 6, Joey mis-reads the zone AGAIN, tries to fire one to Charles Rogers and is intercepted at full stretch by our second “No-Mark” cornerback, Reynaldo Hill, who wanders back through 94 yards of wide open space to put the cherry on top. ARI 55-17 DET.
Mariucci still refuses to pull his quarterback out of his personal hell, and Harrington repays his coach’s trust and belief in the dying seconds with pick number 6, Reynaldo Hill again. I’ve never seen a performance quite like it, and I spent two seasons with Akili Smith as my starting quarterback. The final gun would, I’m sure, have been met with a chorus of boos from the Detroit fans – had they not all sodded off at the start of the 4th quarter. Final score, then, a decidedly surreal ARI 55-17 DET. I’m pretty sure we’re not going to score that many again. Actually, I’m not sure we’ll get that many points in the rest of our games put together. We managed just 264 yards of total offence, including only 90 rushing yards at 2.5 a carry, most of those coming after the game was dead and buried. Astonishing. Still, a win’s a win, even if there are tougher challenges ahead. About 15 of them, in fact. 1-0, all the same. [
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